The contenders

For PM:

1) Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown MP
2) Crazy Lefties MP²

For Deputy PM:

1) Rt. Hon. Postman Alan MP
2) Rt. Hon. Awful Blears MP
3) Hon. John Cruddas MP
4) Rt. Hon. Hilary Benn MP
5) Rt. Hon. Orange Hain MP
6) Rt. Hon. Harriet Harman MP
7) More Crazy Lefties? Diane Abbott? John McDonnell if he isn't nominated? Michael Foot?

My picks for the Deputy race:

Posty Alan starts favourite because he's a reliable media performer and hasn't suffered any unpleasant media coverage over the past year. Inanely grinning Blears may have quite a few supporting MPs (including the Work and Pensions Secretary, John Hutton) and her position as Party Chairman may give her an extra boost with the grassroots Party. Cruddas is apparently the TUs' favourite and may come from nowhere to give Posty and the awful Blears a run for their collective (and probably substantial) money. Benn, Hain and Harman stand less of a chance; especially Benn, whose vote may be squeezed. Hain is ghastly but the affable (if occasionally frosty) Harman may prove to be the dark horse here - her infamous QT gaffe may play well with Gord's supporters.

The next seven weeks will provide excellent entertainment for those of us who want to see as much damage as possible inflicted upon the Labour Party at this terribly difficult time.

TIP: If News 24 is rubbish, watch Sky, but flick back to 24 during the break to see if it has improved. If it hasn't, and Sky happens to be rubbish as well, watch BBC Parliament.